Bubbalicious brunch at The Westin Hotel puts Gatsby's parties to shame. Lobster - want 5? Why not! Steaks? Have 10, go on! Champagne: Mix it with shots of vodka, and some lethal chaos of cocktail that's been dumped in a watermelon... Go wild, it's Friday!
You can have an entire Sushi bar as your starter if you please - followed by ten courses of lamb or even pancakes, while diabetes is yours for the taking in the dessert room.
The most decadent and impressive brunch of them all, you will leave the venue inebriated and twice as heavy as you were when you sat down...
The Big Easy - South African culture is my favourite: It's all BBQs, sunshine, rugby and lion-chasing, so obviously The Big Easy was everything I've ever wanted from a dining experience. Owned by the golfer Ernie Els and located on his revered Dubai course - you get to incite obesity while a band plays Timberlake and Bastille in the style of the Rat Pack. The cuisine is predominantly meat, obviously; I wouldn't be seen anywhere else, while the views of the verdant golf course will make you feel like you're home in the UK... If it wasn't for the endless blue skies and sunshine.
Gaucho - You're probably sensing a trend here : I'm NOT a vegetarian. If I even attempted Vegetariainism I'd be found dead in the roadside before 10am. If it's been alive? I will eat it, and enjoy it.The closer it is to alive? The better... Hence, Gaucho was all my Christmases come at once. Infamously pretentious and ostentatious - the decor looks like the Kardashians have thrown up everywhere - it's all cowhide chairs and chandeliers. But don't be put off by the faux-swank - Gaucho steaks could cheat on me with all my friends, and I wouldn't mind; I'd forgive them at once - because I love them indefinitely and unconditionally. The food is Utopian. Go at once!
"Is this a GAY brunch? Did you bring me to a GAY brunch!?" asked the boyfriend as he surveyed the room full of men. Of course it's NOT a gay brunch... It's just that nothing will entice XY chromosmes to a restaurant quite like the promise of rare barbecued meat - so if hungry, carnivorous Latin males are your thing? You will luck out at Foguiera.
You get to sit there with a beer-mat which says "Give me more!" on one side and "I'M DONE" on the other - you decide at which point you wish to flip your mat to "please leave me alone, I'm suffering a meat-induced coma" and until you do? You are at the mercy of endless cuts of steak, beef, chicken and lamb which are dumped on your plate like some impossibly beautiful Jenga game in which everyone wins. I even got to try my first mouthful of chicken hearts.
My advice? Sit outside if you can - the views from the 35th floor are positively shocking. You'll glimpse the Arabian gulf on one-side, and the sprawl of skyscrapers that is Jumeriah Beach and the Marina on the other. Plus, if it's a Winter evening and the temperature dares to dip below 20 degrees Celsius? They'll hand you thick, warm blankets that make you look and like you're in House Stark on Game of Thrones... Just without all the fatal weddings.
Go here for the view. The Burj Al Arab is to one side, and Downtown Dubai and the Burj Khalifa is to the other. But even if it wasn't blessed with one of the most incredible panoramas in the world? The Cocktails, Argentinian cuisine served on hot stones and the endless Prosecco poured with disarming South American hospitality might make up for it.
This is one of those places where scantily clad salsa dances will attempt to rip you from your dessert to thrust about the floor, but after your tenth glass of wine you won't particularly mind or notice. Orwell really did lie when he said "our lives are miserable, laborious and short" - because you'll be eating Wagyu beef under a 7* hotel:
Grand Grill - Another South African favourite - and one of the only brunches in Dubai where you can get cider. I've spent more time here than I have at any other brunch... or than I've spent with most friends. Just not enough places allow you to have a Rib-eye with a side of Peri-Peri chicken - or a bucket of cider on one knee and a tub of sparking wine on the other...